In Review: Lesbian Vampire Killers

“Hahahahahahahaha! It’s got a big metal cock for a handle!”

In spring of 2009 I got a $20 gift certificate to Best Buys.  I was stressed out from school so I decided to find the dumbest movie I could find.  And I succeeded.  It was as though the clouds parted and a direct beam of sunlight illuminated this movie.

The DVD cover had it all: two men with non-heroic physiques holding weapons, attractive women in skimpy clothing posing suggestively in the background, and an overall design that made me think “B Movie.”  I bought the film hoping that the movie would live up to the low, but solid expectations that I had for it.  And it did.

The movie begins in the past with a knight (played by Matthew Horne) battling a female Vampire.  As he kills her, she places a curse on the nearby village that can only be lifted by one of his descendants.  The film then jumps to the present and shows  Jimmy (also played by Matthew Horne) being dumped by his girlfriend.  His best friend, Fletch (played by James Corden) at same time gets fired from his job as a clown.  To cope with their recent loses, Fletch convinces Jimmy to go on a hiking trip in a small village which turns out to be the cursed village featured in the beginning of the movie (INSERT DRAMATIC MUSIC HERE).

Once there, the two guys meet up with a group of college girls who are there to study the village’s history.  One of the girls, Lotte (played by the beautiful MyAnna Buring) immediately begins to develop chemistry with Jimmy.  However, the group begin to realize that the village is not only plagued by vampires, but lesbian vampires. These vampires simply kill men while they turn women into members of the homosexual undead.  And to make things stranger, the curse turns any girl in the village into a lesbian vampire on the night of her eighteenth birthday.

When a local townsman realizes that Jimmy looks like the Knight of legend and is most likely a descendent, he convinces Jimmy and Fletch to take up the fight against the Vampires.  In particular, he gets Fletch to help him find a sacred sword that has the magical ability to permanently kill the Queen of the Vampires – Carmilla – who her minions are currently trying to resurrect.

The film ends in its B Movie glory with the Queen Vampire being resurrected but permanently killed, Jimmy and Lotte getting together, and Fletch saving the day and not getting a thank you or a hot girl to make out with.

However, a simple summary fails to do this movie justice, because it is the small details that should turn “Vampire Killers” into a cult classic.  First of which, is that it was originally released in the UK as “Lesbian Vampire Killers.”  How a movie titled “Lesbian Vampire Killers” is not yet a beloved cult classic is beyond my imagination.

Now according to IMDB, the “writers Williams and Hupfield were challenged to think of the dumbest and yet most commercial title possible for a film, Lesbian Vampire Killers was the answer. They then went away and wrote the script.”  This only makes me love this movie more, because it is hard to intentionally pull off a B Movie feel; yet, these guys did.  Remember, the producers of the recent “Jonah Hex” film tried and failed miserably.

Beyond the title, the movie has several gags that are just waiting to skyrocket in popularity.  For instance, when the vampires die in this movie they explode into a puddle of white goo.  In other words, the killing of a man-hating vampire will actually turn them into ejaculate.  Awesome.

Also, the magical sword in the film has a metal handle shaped like a large penis.  Which I guess is the ideal weapon when you considered that the Queen Vamp has an incredible long forked tongue that functions as an oddly powerful weapon.  In short, more awesome.

Now there are several other things in the movie to like, but the little gag that I loved the most involves werewolves.  Upon learning that Lesbian Vampires are real, Fletch responds by sarcastically asking if the next thing they’ll have to face are gay werewolves.  As the movie ends with Lotte, Jimmy and Fletch driving towards the sunset after deciding to hunt down other monsters, the camera pans to cliff only to show a gay werewolf howling as the screen goes to black and the credits roll.  I think that may be the coolest idea for a werewolf movie yet.

In addition to the gags, the actors do a surprisingly good job with their characters.  Matthew Horne does a fine job of playing the “straight man” when scenes turn humorous.  And while he doesn’t look like the traditional action-hero type, he manages to hold his own.  James Corden – who recently appeared in the Doctor Who episode, “The Lodger” – also does a great job as Fletch.  Though he plays the clichéd role of the lovable and goofy sidekick/friend, Corden knows that this movie is suppose to be tongue-in-cheek and he uses that to just make the movie so much more fun than I think the writers ever intended.  Similar to Corden’s acting, MyAnna Buring seems to also embrace the B Movie nature of “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and as such, amps up her performance so that she over acts every line.  While I’m sure this would be bad acting in other film, more serious films (insert pompous voice for previous clause), it just makes this movie all the more fun to watch.

Like all good B Movies, the film is also filled with several references to previous monster movies and books.  Hell, even Carmilla, the Queen Vampire, is named after the 1872 novella by Sheridan Le Fanu titled “Carmilla.”

“Lesbian Vampire Killers” is a tongue-in-cheek dumb movie, but being  that’s what it was meant be, it is a clear success.  I’ll even go as far to say that it is one of the best B Movies of 2009.  So if you ever have time to kill and are at a point in your life were you don’t want to think and just want to enjoy something, pick up this movie.  It has hot women, swords, jokes and more hot women.  What else could you possibly want in a film of this caliber?

Did I forget to mention. It has hot women.

  • Director:  Phil Clayton
  • Writers:  Stewart Williams & Paul Hupfield

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