Bill Gordon Reviews Act of Contrition
10 November 2004
Ye Gods! My worst fears have been realized!!!! An entire episode devoted to Kara Thrace!!!!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo………..!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem.
The opening scene of “Act of Contrition” is a perfect allegory for the entire episode to follow; nay, for the entire series thus far: a stolen concept, spinning out of control, and going down in flames.
I think scriptwriters Bradley Thompson and David Weddle maybe saw Pulp Fiction one or two many times, and figured… hey… mixing stories out of order would be perfect for the gritty reality of this show! To think that Universal chose this sorry lot over Tom DeSanto. Amazing.
Anyhow… back to our “story.” After the same damned annoying history of the Cylons that we've endured for a month, the episode opens up with Kara's Viper, in flames, spinning out of control above some random planet. From then on out we are treated to a series of disjointed flashbacks and yet another visit to Cylon Occupied Vancouver. But, I digress. In my own defense, watching this episode, that's easy to do. As Kara is spiraling towards what bodes to be a total bastardization of the beloved Galactica 1980 episode “The Return of Starbuck,” she begins flashing back.
Now we're on the deck of the Galactica, where Iceman… I mean, Flattop… is being celebrated for making his 1,000 th landing. Tyrol, a once great character, is pissed because nobody bothered to tell him. I guess they figured he had enough to worry about, what with him scurrying about, covering Sharon One's sabotage tracks. Meanwhile, Kara's in the hallway telling Lee about his father's 1,000 th landing. It is the single most unfunny anecdote ever told in the history of television. Those writers again: Bradley Thompson and David Weddle. Took two of ‘em to come up with “Prrrrrfffffftttttttt.” Brilliant.
Back on the deck, Tyrol has given Iceman a wagon to play with. So Iceman's in the wagon, the rest of the Extras are dancing about, music that could very well have been stolen from the pilot episode of Firefly (the real pilot) is playing in the background, and a rack of mini-missiles is being lowered into place. BAM! A metal buckle gives, a canvas strap breaks, the mini-missile hits the floor… activates… and heads straight for Iceman. Cut to the hallway where we hear the bomb explode (metaphor, I believe, for Kara's anecdote). One bomb deserves another, I guess, and we get it, as that god-awful theme music begins to play. Isn't Ron reading my reviews? Well, Manny hasn't changed the Enterprise theme yet, either, so I guess I'm just pissing in the wind.
The theme mercifully ends. Then, after that weird drumbeat thing, we once again see Kara spinning and burning. I'm all for her ejecting in space, but she seems hell bent on entering the atmosphere first. Ah, well. Another flashback to…
NTSB Inspector Bertha Exposition is alerting the audience to the fact that Iceman, along with a dozen other extras, were killed in the explosion, while seven remain in sickbay. That's 20 pilots down, for the mathematically challenged. Exposition goes on to say that they had gotten lucky. If it had been a really BIG missile that had broken loose, it would have taken out the entire side of the ship. Why, oh why couldn't it have been a really BIG missile?
Cut to the briefing room, where Lee is talking to a lot of empty chairs. Enter Commander Mumbly, who wishes to offer consolation to the survivors. As Mumbly begins mumbling, Kara flashes back to the pre-holocaust first meeting she had where Mumbly mumbled over the death of his son, Zack, who was also Kara's fiancé. For those of you who were awake at that point in the miniseries, Kara admitted to Lee that Zack had actually failed basic flight, but that she (his instructor) had passed him, since she was boffing him. Zack later died in a Viper accident… yet something else Ron never bothered to show us, and yet to which he expects us to care about and relate. The scene then inter - cuts between the funeral for the 13 dead extras aboard the Galactica, and the funeral for Zack in Vancouver, before jolting us into the most horrifying image of a naked Kara in bed with Zack. Somewhere in the world, Rick Springfield is very relieved. But it wouldn't be the RDM show without a little soft core porn, eh? So say we all.
After the commercial break, we join Kara in Commander Mumbly's office, where Mumbly is mumbling something about needing Kara to train more pilots. She tries to weasel out of it, her guilt over Zack getting the better of her, you understand. Mumbly doesn't know that Kara had passed Zack, and tries to reassure Kara that Zack's death wasn't her fault. This is too much for Kara, who agrees to train the new pilots.
Cut to the burning, spiraling, Viper with Kara inside. For just a moment, I smile.
It is short-lived, as I am about to be subject to the second most useless scene of the episode.
We're now witnessing a card game… Kara, Gaius, Sharon One, Bridge Officer Annoying Guy, whose name I can never remember, and Raptor Boy, who's name I can also never remember. In the middle of the card game, Kara, who's already flashing back, flashes back to being in bed with Zack. I try to look away, but I watched. I promised Ian I'd write this review. We inter - cut between the card game and the soft core porn, until neither we nor Kara can take it any longer. As Kara storms away from the gaming table, Sharon One steals her money. These are good people. Oh, and somewhere in there, Baltar and Bridge Officer Annoying Guy talked about the Cylon Detector. Word, it appears, is getting out that Cylons look like people.
Which brings us to the first most useless scene in the episode. This is supposed to be Kara's flashback, right? So, how the hell does she flashback to Cylon Occupied Vancouver for the further adventures of Helo and Sharon Two? Again, the writers are: Bradley Thompson and David Weddle. It's raining again in Vancouver, as Helo and Sharon Two track that military signal to a former restaurant. The chairs are all up on the table, so, apparently they were closed when the Cylon's attacked, despite the fact that the nukes fell during the lunch rush. Nonetheless, Helo and Sharon Two follow the signal downstairs, and discover a bomb shelter, complete with food, water, medical supplies, and a transistor radio that's apparently the source of the military beacon they had been receiving. Helo wonders aloud where the poor slob who built the thing is, and Sharon Two changes the subject. As that whacky pair chows down on Saltines, we see a Number Six walk by the front door of the restaurant, and peek in the window, while that “Gaius's Apartment” music plays in the background. I admit. I bust out laughing at this point. Those writers again: Bradley Thompson and David Weddle.
We now rejoin Kara's flashback, already in progress. Or do we? Who fracking knows?
We're onboard the Galactica, where Dr. Marlboro, between puffs, is informing President Melodrama that he concurs with the assessment of her former physician: the cancer is too far gone to be operable. He can try radiation and drugs with some nasty side-effects, but she'd rather try some hippie herbal remedy. Dr. Marlboro (there seems to be a lot of tobacco available to these guys) thinks this is a silly notion, saying she'd stand a better chance with prayer, but nonetheless promises to send a hippiegram throughout the fleet to see if anybody packed some of the stuff.
In the briefing room, Kara has her first eight Viper pilot trainees, known as “nuggets” (as opposed to, “maggots,” I suppose. Bradley Thompson and David Weddle). “Nuggets.” Ooooooohhhh… gritty! Real! Ooooooooohhhhhhh! “Nuggets.” Anyhow, then Kara says “Pilots call me Starbuck; you may refer to me as God.” The smartass fellow who's about to be nicknamed “Hot Dog” cracks a smile, while I bust out laughing. Bradley Thompson and David Weddle. Since there's no flight simulator on board, these “nuggets” (that shit still cracks me up) have to climb into actual Vipers for their first lesson.
Okay, this is where it starts to get really sad. After the commercial break, I thought I was looking at an ad for the video game. I shit you not. Somebody's run out of money somewhere, because this CGI looked like shit. Now I'll give credit where credit's due. In the miniseries, Zoic did some nice work. There were a couple of CGI sequences in “33” that literally kicked ass. But this… this was shit. I swear to God it was footage from the video game. Even I am embarrassed for Ron. The scene is about Kara's eight flunking basic flight, but it's hard to concentrate on the story at this point because the FX look like a fracking cartoon. I didn't pay one red cent to watch this, and I feel gypped! I would have rather seen recycled footage than the videogame level FX we're subject to in this episode. It's quite fitting that Kara punctuates this sequence with “Worse than awful. Wretched beyond belief, actually.” Thompson and Weddle finally nail some dialogue. Bravo.
Kara is so disgusted with the CGI, she flunks all eight of her trainees right then and there, and tells them to get the hell out. Lee is not amused, and orders her to reinstate them immediately. When he figures out she's still licking her wounds over Zack, Kara gets up in Lee's face. Lee gets a whiff of her breath, and orders her to step back. She storms out.
Just for good measure, and lest we forget, the scene once again cuts to Kara's spiraling, burning, falling Viper. She's making the same sounds she was making in bed with Zack, when her Viper enters the planets atmosphere, and she finally ejects.
Cut back to Commander Mumbly's office, where Lee is bitching about Kara. When Lee hears that Kara has been talking to Mumbly about Zack, he assumes that Kara has told Mumbly everything. When Lee lets slip that he thinks Kara is feeling guilty over what she “did for Zack,” Mumbly demands to know what he's talking about. Lee realizes he's fracked up, and gets the hell out.
Mumbly, however, is not satisfied, and pages Kara to his office. Once there, Mumbly asks her point blank what she had done for Zack. Kara attempts to evade the question, but Mumbly mumbles that he loves her like a daughter, and she tells the whole story. Mumbly looks as if his head is going to explode as he mumbles at her to reinstate Kara's Eight and do her fracking job. Actually, this is one of Mumbly's finest acting moments in the series yet, and when he tells her to walk out of his cabin “while [she] still can,” we know he means business. It made me think for a second that Edward James Olmos might have made a decent Commander Cain in a continuation of the real Battlestar Galactica .
Kara informs the Kids in the Hall that they're back in training, and they high five each other.
So now we're back on maneuvers in space, and I'm looking at the screen really closely to see if this looks as bad as the videogame sequence we saw a little earlier. I decide it looks a little better, for some reason, but not much.
Meanwhile, back on the bridge, Colonel White Guy is monitoring the instruction by radio, and expresses admiration for Kara. As sickening as that was, it could have been worse, I reminded myself; he could have taken his shirt off. Just as I realize I inadvertently called up that mental image, I am saved by the news that eight Cylon Raiders are approaching. No one knows where they came from, and it's going to be at least two minutes before additional Vipers are going to be in position to help Kara engage the Cylons. This, too, makes me smile. Kara orders the “nuggets” back to the ship, as she turns to take on all eight raiders by herself. But “Hot Dog” has apparently conceived an affection for his Jedi Master, and turns around to help her shoot at Cylons. Let me look at that sequence again real quick. Yep. Looks like a videogame. “Worse than awful. Wretched beyond belief, actually.” So, Hot Dog's Viper is hit, but not destroyed. Kara's backup seems to be taking longer than two minutes to arrive, and in a CGI sequence almost worthy of ‘Tron' , Kara disables a Raider, which smacks into Kara's Viper on its way down. So, now the disabled Raider and Kara's Viper are both falling towards the planet below, and the timeline of the episode is now complete, as Kara enters the atmosphere and ejects from her Viper.
So, now we know that a Raider and a Viper are both going to crash on the planet. I guess I'm wondering how, if Ron really is ripping off “The Return of Starbuck,” as it appears he is, he's going to deal with the fact that he's established that Raiders are pilotless? Well, let me not ponder that too hard. I'm reasonably sure I'm not going to like the answer.
In the meantime, let me just enjoy the image of Kara's body plummeting through the atmosphere.
I never saw her parachute deploy.
Perhaps there's still hope.
Stay tuned for Bill Gordons take on next weeks episode, which will be entited 'Kara smells the Cylon Glove'. To be continued next week..... dum dum dum.
Bill Gordon is Co - owner of Cylon Alliance and is also a Co - Founder of 'The Colonial Fan Force' which is a group of dedicated fans of the classic Battlestar Galactica who have been condinuing the work to hopefully one day get a continuation of the 'REAL BATTLESTAR GALACTICA' off the ground.
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